Regret

February 24th 1815

I will forever reproach myself from ever falling in love again. I am ready for my father calls us to London early and we will leave tomorrow. He has contracted a head cold, and wishes mother’s presence. Mother and I shall return to Rayburn by summer. Although we are returning, I daresay there will be nothing here for my pleasure. You must wonder diary why my course has suddenly changed, I will tell you though my tears fall as I write.
I set out this morning bearing Shakespeare and my heart written down within. I left it for Mr. Ackerly. It read:

Dearest Mr. Ackerly,
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed our acquaintance these short weeks, however I am determined to try. Despite my inclination to be proper in all things I need to tell you how I admire you. Your letters warm my soul and bear me up to help me reach my potential. Though you are my friend, I would endeavor to ask if I could call you much more. Your actions and words last night brought me to believe that you may hold affection for me as well. Please tell me I have not been mistaken.
Yours truly,
Miss Audrene Locke

My letter was placed in: Sonnet 106
When in the chronicle of wasted time
I see descriptions for the fairest wights,
And beauty making beautiful old rhyme
In praise of ladies dead and lovely knights;
Then, in the blazon of sweet beauty’s best,
Of hand, of foot of lip, of eye, of brow,
I see their antiques pen would have expressed
Even such a beauty as you master now
So all their praises are but prophecies
Of this our time, all you prefiguring,
And for they looked but with devining eyes,
They had not still enough your worth to sing:
For we, which now behold these present days,
Have eyes to wonder, but lack tongues to praise.

Shortly after returning to the house my mother found me in the drawing room looking over a book, trying not to think about my heart sitting next to a tree a mile away.
“I must tell you something Addie.” Her face was drawn and apprehensive to tell me her news. I wondered at the delicacy in the tone of her voice.
“What is it mother?”
“Lord Ackerly suddenly passed away last night sometime during the ball.”
I immediately thought of Mr. Ackerly and wished I could be close to him.
“Oh mother, what is to be done?”
“There is nothing for us to do dear. Even if there was we couldn’t. Your father has called us to London.”
“But why?” I had declared my love to Mr. Ackerly why not show it to my mother.
“We must go my love, it is for the best.”
I sobbed in her arms as she stroked my back in a knowing way. Upon discerning mother’s plan for our departure I packed my things for a little more than an hour and went to look for my sister and her husband. I passed the library and again over heard their voices.
“You should have listened to me.”
“It is of little matter there is no harm done my lady.”
“She loves him dearest, what of that?”
I comprehended their meaning and decided to stop their disagreement right there. I walked in and sat on the divan next to my sister. “Catherine, Lord Grant, I am so sorry we are leaving so soon. I have enjoyed these few weeks more than you will know, but I must beg of you not to worry about me. I shall return in the summer and we can resume our delights in the warmth with picnics and flowers.” With a smile I kissed my sister lightly on her cold pale cheek. I walked over to the desk and leaned over dear Grant and kissed his shiny balding head.
After I had left the room I paused for a moment and heard my sister sigh, “Oh Jeffrey.” She must be upset about poor Lady Ackerly I thought as I set out for the garden. I took my time walking to the tree for it had only been a few hours; I was secretly hoping to find him there with my letter. I dreamt of embraces and declarations of love. What a joyous thing it could be if I was able to greet my father with such good news. It was in vain, for what happened next pains me to write, but I shall so I will never find myself making the same mistakes again.
I was a while off from the tree when I saw him mounting his horse. I ran to see if I could catch up but soon gave up trying; a horse is much my superior in that account. Once getting to the tree I could see him riding swiftly, majestically in the distance. I took the book in a hurry to see what he wrote and was shocked to read in a fast barely discernable hand:

Miss Locke
I beg of you to forget. I am not worthy of your affections, though I shall never take them, I will keep our friendship dear to me in my heart. We must cease our correspondence. It is for the best. My father has past and there is much to be done.
Sincerely,
Mr. Ackerly
Please take this book and its contents. It is all I can give.

His note was placed in: Sonnet 87
Farewell, thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know’st thy estimate.
The charter of they worth fives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,
And for that riches where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,
And so my patent back again is swerving.
Thyself thou gav’st, thy own worth then not knowing,
Or me, to whom thou fav’st it, else mistaking;
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,
Comes home again, on better judgment making.
Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter,
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.

Oh how this pierced my soul. I cannot sleep for the aching. The note had two pages though the back page empty, when I pulled the two sheets apart, from the creases a necklace fell into my lap. This necklace is a simple gold locket on a thin gold chain. Engraved on the locket are a small daisy and the name “Ackerly”. I wondered at his gift and his letter for they contradicted themselves. I wear it now in controversy with my own self as well. I sat on the cold roots for hours feeling nothing but the tears down my face. He was letting me down nicely, and yet he led me believe he loved me! It was never declared, but in so many ways implied. My hands are shaking as I go over all the fool hardy things I have done these few weeks. What is wrong with me? Why did I let myself fall so easily? I shall never be so foolish again.