Never to Fall

June 1st 1815

It has been many months since the last time we traveled to Rayburn, and yet I feel it has been not long enough. My heart has not had enough time to heal from my last visit. And yet we return. Father called us away shortly after Lord Ackerly passed, but that is not the reason my heart continues to burn. Though my insides are like a blazing fire where time only can scorch, my outside appearance has become cold. My actions as well are icy and callous. I did not purposely change my demeanor in these months, but I will endeavor to correct them for the better now. The summer comes and with it new prospects of enjoyment. My resolve to correct myself does not change my decision never to fall again. The locket I wear hidden reminds me of my intentions daily. Another man will never have the opportunity to hold my heart and put it in danger of being broken as Mr. Ackerly has.
Mother and I traveled swiftly in our open carriage the twenty miles to my sister’s house this morning and I was greeted with the unchanging demeanor of my brother in law and sister, the unaltered green room, and promises of diversions. I daresay my nature is not as it was those months ago. Oh, how I have changed.
Tomorrow we meet the new Lord Ackerly at a picnic on the Rayburn estate. Indeed I shall avoid him altogether. I should not know how to act otherwise.