Secret Correspondence

February 16th 1815
Since the first brightenings of the day I had been impatient for a response. I knew I would not get one today, or this week, for Mr. Ackerly has gone away. I’m afraid He has taken my heart with him. I will only admit that to you dear diary, for I wouldn’t give any other the satisfaction. I dreamt last night that he gave me his, and to the happiness of all we wed. But I am letting this foolishness get away from me; he is only my friend to be a friend to Lord Grant. I shall push my emotions away like the plague that consumes all it touches and devours the sensible things of this earth for they, my emotions and dreamings, sensible people tell me, will be the end of me.
This morning was so bright and unnaturally warm that I decided I would take a walk in the direction of Carrington Manor for what would be the harm of seeing his favorite spot if he was not there? It was an easy walk of just over a mile. Wisps of grass covered with morning dew stroked my dress as I stepped. The tree was elevated on a small hill like a king over looking his kingdom. As I approached I felt I was coming to a place I didn’t belong, and yet I was lured there by something much stronger within me. I have yet to pin point what this new feeling was that pulled me in all emotional directions. I paced around the tree looking for the perfect sitting spot that Mr. Ackerly described, and then I found it, sat down under the bows of the tree, let my head rest against the trunk, released my arms to my sides, and there it was. His answer was under my left hand, a brown bound book, “A Shakespeare Treasury” with a white letter inside of the cover protruding out just enough to be noticed. At first I thought he had left one of his books here by accident, but as I opened the letter, I saw it was addressed to me and read thus:

Miss Audrene Locke,
First please forgive me for addressing you in such a formal manner without your permission, but your question was too heavy on my mind to wait to answer. I knew you would find this place, I only hope this correspondence is not too weathered.
I do not have an absolute answer for you, for it is a difficult question. I may only answer this for you by knowing you more. If you allow me, I would like to ask you more questions to answer yours. I find the best of ourselves is shown when we are happy.
So, Miss Locke, what makes you laugh? What is it that keeps you breathing every day? What is it that turns the corners of your mouth into a smile? Who do you love and why? We must also understand the worst of our selves. What angers you? What would you say is your worst trait?
These questions are so very personal I will not be hurt if you decide not to answer them. If you do choose to answer them, I promise you I will do the same for you. May we fulfill our investigations by getting to know one another better. Lord Grant will be very pleased.
I will return soon, I await your reply.
Mr. William Ackerly

You can imagine my astonishment. My heart skipped as I thought Secret correspondence? And then I retraced my mind back to: The nerve! Putting me at risk of social misconduct! Slowly I remembered: He knows my desires to be free. Why would he do it differently? So then I was numb what is the right thing to do? And what is the right way, right for me, or for everyone else? After feeling the pullings and tuggings at my heart all day, I’ve decided to answer him.
Walking into the drawing room after my walk my eyes sparkled and my cheeks were pink from the cold. I held tightly to Shakespeare and smiled at my sister.
“Have a good walk Addie?”
“Of the best Catherine, I love Rayburn this time of year.”
“I’m sure you do silly girl” Sir Grant giggled.